JAIME: ooh, what?
LIZA: so, i'm here on his computer, since we got a new employee and
she took my computer cable. i didn't make a fuss, i just moved into an
JAIME: kiddie porn!!!
LIZA: and i was getting on facebook, and ya know when you start typing
an address, it will come up with recent addresses that start with
LIZA: well, when i typed in www.fa
i was prompted to visit www.famouspornstars.com
and i was like ZOMG
and i thought maybe it was just an accident he made
and then when i was going to addictinggames.com, i was prompted to
i just... sat here.... speechless
LIZA: so, i was nosy and looked at his history
and i concluded
JAIME: oh god
LIZA: that he comes into the office on Saturday (because the worst was
listed under "5 Days Ago")
and searches for porn with keywords like
JAIME: this is hilarious
LIZA: i didn't think these kind of people actually existed!
JAIME: you'd wonder why he just doesn't look it up at home
LIZA: i think it's obvious! i mean, he has a wife and 2 kids
JAIME: at least he's not looking up keywords like "goat"
JAIME: and you'd be surprised how many of "those kind of " people exist.
LIZA: and i found links to a ton of pictures he was looking at. it was
JAIME: there's a reason S&M is in the common knowledge spectrum
LIZA: i'm tempted to peek at his hard drive and see which "cageporn"
videos he decided were keepers
JAIME: .........have you cleaned off his chair?
WHAT IF I'M SITTING IN IT
JAIME: WHAT IF YOU ARE!!!!!!
i'm looking through bookmarks to see if maybe he bookmarks his
favorite "sites" under a clever folder like "State Regulations"
JAIME: you found it??
LIZA: HE HAS MY MYSPACE BOOKMARKEEEEEED
JAIME: are there any pictures of porn or of you saved onto his computer?
did he google your name?
LIZA: i'm scared to look now!
LIZA: no, but he googled the name of a cute girl who works in our
JAIME: "well, ben franklin, you're kind of a scum bag."
LIZA: i doubt it was to check out her credentials, since the entry
after "//cute girl in the Hattiesburg office//" is "//cute girl in the Hattiesburg office// swimsuit"
JAIME: that reminds me of a story mom told me a long time ago about him.
LIZA: this same guy?
JAIME: yeah, //name withdrawn//
JAIME: she said he went to dad and said he googled mom
and he came across some.....interesting reading.
and when dad's face got all red, //name withdrawn// said that he was "mainly just
looking for the het stuff."
JAIME: HE SAID HET STUFF
LIZA: what is that
JAIME: vs. homo
LIZA: i bet he was looking for porn to begin with, and then crossed
her familiar path
JAIME: lol, probably.
he really googled "//cute girl in the Hattiesburg office// swimsuit"?
LIZA: yeah! apparently, she was on her school's swimteam
JAIME: does anything come up?
and you should delete your myspace bookmark.
LIZA: he has a folder called "luminosity"
it just has her vids, but i almost had an aneurysm when i saw it
yep, this video is a keeper!
i found his "torrents" folder
and i just opened up the first one, and there is a guy sitting there
with one of those masks on with the zippered-shut mouths, and a girl
walking around with tall black boots on
jaime, i can't make this up
Sent at 3:28 PM on Thursday
JAIME: oh. my. god.
he DOWNLOADS PORN AT WORK
LIZA: EWWWW this is the grossest thing i've ever seeeeeen!
JAIME: and you're WATCHING PORN AT WORK.
LIZA: in his "pictures" folder, he has a picture of a, well, a vagina,
and it has a beer mug TOTALLY INSIDE IT and you can just see the top
of it. and the caption is "ultimate coaster."
i'm not watching porn! when i saw what it was, i Xed out of it!
JAIME: oh, god. are all boys like this?
do all guys want to see a beer mug shoved up some chick's twat? is
that amusing to them?
was there beer in the mug?
JAIME: so she was standing on her head
LIZA: and there was a can balancing on her butt
JAIME: this poor girl.
LIZA: i'm just... in awe
JAIME: has to stand on her head, have someone shove a pilsner up inside
her and balance the can on her ass, just so //name withdrawn//can save the jpeg
on his work computer
Sent at 3:35 PM on Thursday
LIZA: and here's a picture of some girl's shaved privates with Homer
Simpson painted on it.
Sent at 3:36 PM on Thursday
LIZA: also, not making this up
and here are thumbnails of christmas paper. innocent enough, right?
wrong. there are little pictures of Mrs. Claus fucking Mr. Claus with
a strap on.
LIZA: and here is one with Mrs. Claus bending over to put a present
under the tree. and behind her, you see Santa holding two blue
ornaments. get it?!
god, i have to stop now.
JAIME: i'm posting this conversation.
names will be withdrawn
LIZA: oh god
not on myspace!
i'll friends-lock it.
Sent at 3:41 PM on Thursday